What is distinctive about a humanist wedding?

Well, the first thing to say is that they are very personal! There is nothing set or standard or business-like about a humanist ceremony. Basically, I tailor-make each ceremony for each couple and that makes your day very special and my job an absolute joy!

Couples sometimes ask me, "Do we have to write our own ceremony?" And the answer is simple:

Yes, if you want to!
No, if you don't want to!

In my experience, I have found that many couples haven't got a clue where to begin and the way I usually work is to meet with you for a chat about what's important to you. I'll help you to decide on readings, music, symbolic gestures (such as candle lighting, hand fasting and so on) your vows and lots of the practical things you need to think about (where to stand, how to enter, how to set the room out etc..) It's also good to get to know a bit about you too and this all helps me to design a ceremony that is sincere, meaningful and completely unique to you. After our first meeting, I will draft the ceremony for you and email it to you so that you can make any changes to it - and I always stress that it's very much a first draft, that you can make ANY amendments, additions and deletions you want to! The most important thing is that it is YOUR big day!

Another thing that people often remark on after a humanist ceremony is how relaxed and comfortable it felt. There is so much scope for fun and laughter in our ceremonies! Yes, they can be very formal and traditional, but if you want a bit of laughter and informality, that's no problem!


This photo of Lisa Ann and Jonas at the Dunkeld House Hotel was taken by the excellent Perthshire based wedding photographer, Neil Fordyce

Humanist weddings are also inclusive and because they concentrate on the things we all have in common, they tend to appeal to everyone, regardless of their individual beliefs. If your granny is a church goer, she might be a bit bemused (or even concerned) about what a humanist ceremony involves, but you can reassure her that she'll probably love it! People who haven't been to one of our ceremonies before don't always 'get it' beforehand - but I can almost guarantee that they will 'get it' afterwards. Even people with strong religious beliefs have often remarked afterwards on how much they enjoyed the ceremony. I should stress that there is NEVER anything anti-religious in our ceremonies - they are simply non-religious!

At the end of the day, your humanist wedding ceremony will be distinctive because you are distinctive!

How can we incorporate candle lighting into our ceremony?

The lighting of candles is a lovely symbolic gesture to include in your ceremony. I usually suggest that you each light a candle near the start of the ceremony (to symbolise your separate lives before your marriage) and then light a third one after you have exchanged your vows and rings (to symbolise the joining together of your lives in marriage). The 'marriage' candle is lit by each of you taking a flame from each of the first two candles and lighting the third one together. This makes a nice photograph as you can see in this picture of Margaret and Jay during their wedding at the historic Alloa Tower

I suggest that you buy your own candles (it's nice to have them to light on your anniversary for years to come!) and when you go shopping, the things to bear in mind are:

• It's nice if you have two candles that are the same and one that is different - in colour, size, shape or design
• You need holders or stands for your candles

• You need to arrange or ask the venue to arrange a table for them to be placed on during the ceremony and it's nice to provide some decoration - a nice cloth, some flowers etc..
• You don't need to worry about where to get a flame from and we won't be asking anyone for a cigarette lighter during the ceremony! I'll supply the tapers (as shown in the Alloa Tower picture above) and I'll have a tea light burning throughout the ceremony

Florists can sometimes incorporate candles into flower arrangements for weddings, as shown in these lovely examples:

One thing to bear in mind with candles is the hazard of having naked flame:

• If you have a veil, keep well away from the candles!
• Keep any children amongst your guests well away from them too!
  
• Some candle wicks smoke badly when they're blown out, so watch out for smoke alarms being set off! Some hotels ban the lighting of candles anyway, so double check with your venue beforehand.
• If you're outdoors, candles can of course blow out easily (the ones in the picture above surprisingly stayed alight for the whole ceremony, but it was in the roofless but reasonably sheltered Hall at Castle Campbell). Think about having garden candles, oil burning candles or storm lanterns or something similar to protect the flame. The ones in this vase for example stayed lit during the whole ceremony and it was quite breezy!

Candles can be used to wonderful effect to decorate your venue too - as in these examples from Doune Castle

How do we choose readings?

There is such a vast array of lovely wedding poetry out there that you may find yourselves spoiled for choice! Alternatively, you might find yourselves having to wade through huge quantities of unsuitable stuff (some religious, some cheesy, some just badly written) on the internet. There are some very nice wedding poetry books on the market though and I particularly like, 'Handfast', which is a book of Scottish poetry for weddings (published by the Scottish Poetry Library in 2004) and 'Heartsongs' by Pinky Agnew (published by Rider, 2006). The Humanist Society also have a huge collection of lovely non-religious poetry and readings and when I meet with couples to discuss the wedding ceremony, I always give them a copy of the collection so that they can choose something themselves. I would usually include 2 or 3 readings in a ceremony, but it's fine to have more or less than that - the most important thing is to find poems you like and that express your thoughts and feelings about each other and about your wedding day.

Of course you also need to consider carefully who is going to read for you. I quite often read all of the poetry and am very happy to do so - but many couples like to involve friends or a members of the family by asking them to read a poem during the ceremony.


It's an important thing to ask someone to do for you and there are a few things to consider:

• Choose someone you know won't feel too nervous on the day, someone who feels comfortable with public speaking.
• Choose someone who you feel will do the poem justice, who will read it well for you.
• Give them plenty of notice and send them a copy of what you'd like them to read. You could alternatively ask them to choose something for you and as well as being a really nice way of adding an element of surprise to the ceremony, this can also be very moving too.
  
• Ask the reader to contact the Celebrant before the ceremony to discuss where and when the reading will be placed and where they should stand etc..
  

If you have children (either your own or in your wider circle of friends or family) and would like to involve them in the ceremony, why not get them to do a reading for you? If you choose the reading carefully and the child is confident, it can add something very special to the ceremony. In fact, they will probably steal the show with the 'cute factor'! This is Hanni reading a poem for her mum and 'poppy' (as she calls her step dad) at their recent wedding at Inchcailloch Island on Loch Lomond:


One of my all time favourite poems was read at a wedding this week, Christine de Luca's 'Journey' which is published in the Scottish Poetry Library book, 'Handfast':

Today you see far down a mountainside,

out over islands to your far horizon.

Your sight is sharp, your goal clear, and tides

of love lap round all your desiring.

Two sets of footprints you will make, but true

companions on this journey you’ll become.

When you slip out of step, think of today;

relive again its close embrace of freedom.

May truest feelings stir you as the wind

disturbs the loch, or smirr on cotton grass.

May you find bliss in ordinariness

and joy forever in its present tense.

(Reproduced with the kind permission of the author)

And here are the lovely Nicola and Simon, who chose this stunning reading, beginning their journey after their wedding at Glenskirlie Castle

Another idea to consider with readings is to have something that all your guests read together. This especially suits well wishings (or 'blessings' for want of a better word) at the end of your ceremony. The reading needs to be fairly short and sweet and you can either print the words in an Order of Ceremony or have it done in a 'repeat after me' format (i.e. the Celebrant reads a line and everyone repeats it). This is one of my personal favourites and it's by an unknown author:

May your home be a place of happiness for all who enter it;

a place where the old and young are renewed in each other’s company,

a place for growing and a place for sharing,

a place for music, a place for laughter and a place for love.........

Should we risk an outdoor wedding?

For many couples, an outdoor ceremony is their preferred option and it often adds a nicely relaxed air to the proceedings. If you're in the grounds of a hotel, the venue may arrange to have seating and even a red carpet to create an aisle, but quite often the guests will simply stand in informal groups instead (perhps with a few seats for elderly guests). An outdoor wedding always carries a risk though - what do you do if the weather is bad? You might be lucky and get a day like this at Shieldaig Lodge in Gairloch a few years ago:


We certainly needed the sunscreen that day and midge repellent comes in pretty handy in certain parts of Scotland (north and west mainly) and certain times of the year (summer months) too! The following wedding of Kelly and John at the Roman Camp in Callander was another lovely day and the sun sparkling off the water gave the whole wedding a magical quality.


This wedding was also videoed by James at Strageworx Productions and if you follow this link, you can see a web version of Kelly and John's DVD: http://www.strangeworx.com/kellyandjohn/

Of course, you might get a day like this when Monica and Andy got married at the lochside at Glen Finglas in August 2007:


Or even like this one at Leckmelm Gardens in Ullapool that brought a whole new meaning to the expression 'white wedding'! It was freezing, but great fun!


So, if you're considering an outdoor wedding, the following might be worth bearing in mind:

• Have a good contingency plan - a nice indoor space that could be used for the ceremony if the weather is really bad
  
• If you're still keen to have the ceremony outside, consider a more sheltered spot, under some trees perhaps
• You could just go for it regardless - and warn your guests to bring their waterproofs, brollies, sensible shoes and thermals!
• You could delay the ceremony slightly in case the weather improves - this might be possible if your guests and your Celebrant are willing

Whatever you do, warn the Registrar that the location may be subject to a last minute change and ask their advice. It is vital that the wedding takes place on the date and in the location shown on the Marriage Schedule. It's also important to ensure that the Schedule doesn't get wet or damaged in any way, so ensure that it's properly protected if you're outside.

Even this week when it was really cold and windy, I conducted an outdoor wedding for Paul and Karen on the stunningly beautiful Inchcailloch Island on Loch Lomond. This was the lovely wedding party on the summit (what a view!), but it was much too windy to conduct the ceremony there, so we retreated to the more sheltered beach on the other side of the island. And we managed to conduct the ceremony just before the first day trippers arrived with their picnics and BBQ stuff! It was a lovely wedding - relaxed and intimate, with only their friends (who acted as witnesses), their little girls, me and the photographers (Willie and Cara McGlaughlin) present.

What if I get emotional on the day?

No worries! Feeling emotional on your wedding day is natural and I’ll always have tissues at the ready! So far my record is a five hankie wedding by the way! They were all for the bride on that occasion, but actually, it’s often the grooms who go first – so be warned guys! This is Steve ( getting emotional) and Julie at their wedding at the Fortingall Hotel in Perthshire:

This is Joanne and Russell after their recent wedding at the Roman Camp Hotel and although they look relaxed here, they were both quite emotional during the ceremony too.



Don't they both look splendid in red though? And check that sporran out! Just in case you want a close up, here it is in all it's glory:

As you can imagine, this attracted quite a few funny (and naughty) comments on the day and in fact, the ceremony was full of fun and laughter! The photos for this wedding were taken by Tom and Donna Collins at Stylish Images and the DVD was by Grahams Digital Productions

The following video clip, courtesy of Graham, will give you a feel for the way in which weddings can be both fun and emotional at the same time. By the way, I should point out that the quality of the clip has been significantly reduced to upload it to this blog and that the original is of superbly high definition!




Crying apart, couples often get worried about getting a fit of the giggles during the ceremony. Lots of people giggle when they’re nervous, but you’ll find a humanist ceremony much more relaxed than being in church and if you feel like laughing, that’s great! I think it’s important to inject a bit of humour into a wedding ceremony – it’s all about having fun! The ceremony shouldn’t be an ordeal, it should be a really enjoyable part of the day - for you and your guests! This is Phyllis and William at their 2003 wedding in Callander having a good laugh and for me, this photo really sums up the joy of what was a very relaxed and enjoyable occasion:

How do we choose a venue?

Many couple choosing a humanist ceremony decide to have the whole day (ceremony and reception) in one place and this has lots of practical advantages (not having to move your guests from A to B being a big one!) Because humanist ceremonies are non-religious (I should stress here that they are never anti religious!) a church building isn't usually an option. But there are so many other places to choose from - hotels, historic buildings, stately homes, National Trust properties or Historic Scotland properties etc.... Not to mention many lovely outdoor places - in fact, you have the whole of Scotland at your disposal and don't forget that an authorised Humanist Celebrant can conduct a legal marriage anywhere (yes, anywhere!) in Scotland without the need for a civil licence!

Choosing the right venue is as much about the right 'feel' of the place as it is about the practicalities (size, location, cost and so on). One of my personal favourites is the Roman Camp Hotel in Callander.


Shona, the wedding planner there, is so friendly and helpful - she'll look after you really well and as well as being stunning, the hotel has a wonderfully warm and relaxed atmosphere - you have to visit to see what I mean. The food is superb too by the way and the canapés are the best for miles around! Weddings are conducted various parts of the hotel, including the lovely old library:


It also has a tiny chapel off it where the Marriage Schedule can be signed:



There are other rooms within the hotel that can be used for wedding ceremonies and the grounds are beautiful, so an outdoor wedding down at the river is another option in good weather:


This is the recent wedding of Mike and Kirsty and we were lucky that the rain stayed off and we were able to hold the ceremony by the river where it's lovely and peaceful. The hotel staff put out wooden benches for the family and the wedding party to sit down and everyone else gathered around informally. The stone table makes an ideal place for the signing of the Marriage Schedule. This was a great wedding and Mike and Kirsty made sure that it was full of fun and laughter!

As did Amy and Adrian - and the sun certainly shone on their big day too:


Another cracking venue is Solsgirth House by Dollar.


Bernie and Denise who own and run the house are lovely and will make you feel very much at home. Once again, they can accommodate weddings both indoors and outdoors. Inside, there is a small 'chapel' with a nice peaceful feel to it:




And outside, there's a lovely terraced area that is perfect for ceremonies when the weather is good:




Glenskirlie Castle at Banknock is another very popular local venue. They do weddings both in the main house , which is very nice and in the castle, which opened in 2007. Of course, the food at Glenskirlie is fantastic and it has a superb restaurant. The castle, although modern, certainly has the wow factor, both inside and out:


This is the room they use for wedding ceremonies at the castle and with the big stained glass window to the side, it has a lovely feel to it.


If the weather is good, the terraced patio area at the back could also be used and they often serve drinks out there after the ceremony too:

Julie is the Wedding Coordinator at Glenskirlie and she'll make sure that everything is organised behind the scenes so that all you have to do is enjoy your special day!

How do we set the room out?

It's a good idea to have some form of focal point in the room or space if it's outdoors and this could simply be in the form of a table with a flower arrangement on it, such as this one at Castle Campbell in Dollar.


On the other hand, the terraces at Castle Campbell afford some spectacular views and that might be all you need for a focal point!


Other ideas would be to use a natural feature such as this lovely tree in the grounds of the Strathblane Country House Hotel



Balloon or flower arches are a nice idea too:



And if you happen to be passionate about something, as Anne and Gavin are about their American Airstream trailer (a beautifully renovated 1964 Bambi Mark II if you're interested!), then why not include it as a backdrop or focal point for your wedding ceremony!

It's also a good idea to think about how you want to have the seats set out and many couples choose to have a central aisle, with straight rows of seats either side, as in these pictures of Gean House in Alloa:

If you don’t want the room to look quite as formal though, you could arrange the seats in an arc and still retain the aisle, such as here in the grounds at the Dunkeld House Hotel

If you don't want to have an aisle, you don't need to have one of course and you can create a nice inclusive feeling for your guests when the seats are arranged in a circle or horseshoe shape, such as here at Castle Campbell:

Even just having the seats at an angle rather than in straight rows can give the space a different feel, as in this picture of the The Harviestoun Country House Hotel at Tillicoultry:

How do we enter and how do we stand?

I often get asked questions about wedding etiquette and in particular, things like which side of her dad should the bride be on when they enter at the start of the ceremony? Just in case you're wondering too, it is traditional for the bride to take her dad's right arm, so that he walks down the aisle on the left, which is traditionally 'the bride's side'. Someone other than dad may of course be 'giving the bride away', such as in the case of Michelle here, whose Gran had the honour of escorting her on her wedding day:

As you can see, in this case the bride decided to walk on her Gran's left rather than the right. You could of course decide to move completely away from tradition and walk in together! And by the way, I often refer to the 'giving away' tradition during the ceremony and say that in reality there isn't any giving away because the two of you have already given your hearts to each other. It's a nice way of saying that you have a relationship of equals and that there is no relinquishing of ownership on the part of the father of the bride - and indeed, no claiming of ownership by the groom! At the same time, I always like to make a big fuss of dads for their role on the big day!

After the ceremony has finished, the bride will then take the groom's left arm for them to make their grand exit back down the aisle. And that, according to traditional etiquette, is so that he has his sword arm (presumed to be his right) free to protect his bride! Of course, you may decide to throw tradition out of the window for your big day and do your own thing!

It is important to think about how and where to stand during the ceremony itself. I often stand in the middle, with the bride on my right and the groom on my left, with both of you facing outwards, but angled towards each other - as in this lovely pic of Jonas and Lisa-Ann at their 2005 wedding in the grounds of the Dunkeld Hilton House Hotel. By the way, this fabulous wedding was photographed by Neil Fordyce and it was featured in the Scottish Wedding Directory magazine Real Life Weddings The Humanist Society also chose this wedding to feature on the front of it's leaflet about humanist weddings, 'Sharing the Future'

When you exchange your vows and rings, you can then face each other. And by the way, remember to look at each other rather than at your Celebrant! I often remind couples that although I'm marrying them, they are marrying each other and not me! This is Hilary and Robert during their wedding at Inchmahome Island on the Lake of Mentieth.

You can choose to stand together throughout the whole ceremony if you’d prefer to. If you think you might be nervous or emotional on your big day, you might feel more comfortable standing with your partner throughout. This is Andi and Andy at the stunning Castle Campbell near Dollar. Andi (the beautiful bride) has since become a Celebrant of the Humanist Society.

If you wanted to, you could also be seated for some of the ceremony. Jean and Alex here (getting married in Alex's son's back garden) felt more comfortable sitting down (and it has to be said with a glass of bubbly in front of them!) At 78 and 82 respectively, they just go to show that it's never too late for love! This was my very first legal wedding in June 2005 and it was a wonderfully relaxed family occasion. I have since married Alex's son, John and his partner Heather and this summer I'm looking forward to conducting the wedding of Alex's granddaughter Sarah and her fiance Chris.

By the way, one thing I try never to do is to have you with your backs to your guests at any point. For me, an important principle about having a humanist wedding is about sharing your happy day with your friends and family and they are likely to feel much more involved in the ceremony if they can see your faces rather than the backs of your heads!